Let’s personalise productivity with the weightiest metric yet: academic BMI

Measuring researchers’ output mass against their body mass will incentivise even harder running on the academic treadmill, says Dariusz Jemielniak

Published on
October 17, 2025
Last updated
October 17, 2025
Dariusz Jemielniak
Illustration of an overweight academic on scales, weighed against a pile of books. As an illustration of measuring researchers’ output mass against their body mass, an academic BMI.
Source: Getty Images/iStock montage
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Reader's comments (14)

#1 Submitted by oliver.... on October 17, 2025 - 8:35am
Brilliant, thanks. We could also do with a world comparative index of university bullshit, so academics can see just how much time per week we will spend on BS jobs (to borrow from Graeber). Eg., how many nonsense and clunky forms we will have to fill in online, pointless meetings we will have to attend to be told we are not working hard enough, how much admin we will have to do, how much marking, and how many non specialised teaching hours we will have? Also add in whether research time is in clear blocs, or splintered by the above BS jobs. You could also add whether said institutions are prone to totalitarian statements of progress and unity, and whether their policies add to the public good they often profess to, or are merely marketing. In the old days, we used to ask as a cipher for all of this, how many teaching hours does x institutions demand? We could do with a better comparison now, so academics know which institutions offer more time for research and which to avoid.
#2 Submitted by ... on October 17, 2025 - 9:12am
Moan moan moan. A key part of an academic job for hundreds of years has been teaching and examining students. This involves, you know, actually teaching them, talking to them, helping them with their studies, setting their exams and then assessing their performance. If you think the core point of an academic job is "BS" then I'd suggest you've chosen the wrong career and need to alter your expectations to match reality.
#3 Submitted by m.... on October 17, 2025 - 10:24am
Oh God of laughter help me to be brave And know a grim-set face is rarely right For gravity will drag me to the grave But levity will lift me to the light.
#4 Submitted by graff.... on October 17, 2025 - 2:52pm
A failed parody. Flawed comparison. No historical context.....
#5 Submitted by p.... on October 17, 2025 - 5:33pm
Bit boring tbh
#6 Submitted by ... on October 19, 2025 - 6:13pm
do you mean "Crap" of "C***" here?
#7 Submitted by p.... on October 17, 2025 - 5:34pm
I think this rates very high on C-Index
#8 Submitted by p.... on October 18, 2025 - 8:38am
Reading this I was reminded of Sebastrian's comment on Gonzalo: "Look, he's winding up the watch of his wit. By and by it will strike".
#9 Submitted by mc4@... on October 19, 2025 - 4:12pm
There's a serious point behind the article, in that academia must be the most over metriculated profession there is. I can't think of another that is measured by so many different formulae, and to what end? so that you can all be ranked and filed. It has all become tedious.
#10 Submitted by ... on October 19, 2025 - 6:12pm
Totally agree. The point has been made again and again and nothing is ever done. But what's the point of this silly, whimsical piece? In my view such THES allegedly humorous pierces (and there have been several) only normalize the situation and allow its perpetration. We need a Jonathan Swift of satire to tackle this not a Nancy Mitford!! What's the correlation between the increased pressure on staff via REF (and redundancy, and TEF and NSS and work loads etc etc) and the S-index, i.e the number of staff suicides? Now maybe the THES might want to enquire into this and maybe send of a few FOIs. Problem is, most of them are covered up. Hahahah REF and BMI, it's so so funny is it not?
#11 Submitted by graff.... on October 19, 2025 - 9:47pm
Have a quick glance at professional athletics
#12 Submitted by ... on October 19, 2025 - 4:35pm
These humorous, mildly satirical academic pieces seldom work tbh. They usually come over as rather smug, obvious and not especially funny.
#13 Submitted by ... on October 19, 2025 - 4:42pm
I am not sure if this piece counts as fat shaming?
#14 Submitted by graff.... on October 19, 2025 - 9:48pm
or perhaps skinny shaming? there's no far or skin in the game here, is there?

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